What it Really Means to be True to yourself

I have been curious about the concept of being				facilitates the emergence of a false self. It's a
"true to yourself" (i.e. honoring one's true self) for				controlling process through which people can lose
a while. It's a motto for some and an aspiration				contact with who they really are, while pursuing
for others. This article will provide you with				what they really want.
deeper (psychological and scientific) insight into the				This brings us back to contingent love and
phenomenon and offer a broader understanding				acceptance on which Deci writes: when controlled,
of what it really means to be true to yourself.				people act without a personal sense of
I chose to approach this subject (and this article)				endorsement. Their behavior is not an expression
from the opposite end of the spectrum: the				of the self, for the self has been subjugated to
converse of being true to yourself which is being				the controls. In this condition, people can be
false (in behavior, action, or choice) to one's true				reasonably described as alienated. To the extent
self. In doing so I realized that when people make				that a behavior is not autonomous it is controlled.
the claim of being true to themselves there is an				At this point, it all started to make sense to me.
automatic assumption that they know who they				This put me one step closer to answering the
are - which has to be a prerequisite to recognizing				question: what does being true to yourself really
when you are being true to yourself, right?				mean? Once again, I referred to my goldmine to
Otherwise you have the basis for self-deception.				bring it all into focus. Deci claims that we all have
Psychologists define self-deception as the act of				three needs that form the basis of our
deceiving oneself or the state of being deceived				motivations: the need for autonomy, the need for
by oneself.				competency, and the need for relatedness.
While conducting research for this article I				It's important to fully understand the definitions of
stumbled across the writing of Austin Cline who				these three vital needs so a brief description of
has also written on the topic in Sometimes We				each is in order: autonomy means to act freely
Mislead Even Ourselves in which he writes: For				with a sense of volition and choice, and to act in
you to actually deceive someone, you must know				accordance to one's self. It means feeling free
the truth but then lead someone to believe the				and volitional in one's actions.
opposite. If you get someone to believe				Competence is when a person takes on - and in
something which is false but were never aware				his or her own view - meets optimal challenges
that it was false, you cannot be accused of				and feels effective as a result. At the very core,
deception. You were wrong, but you weren't				people need to feel useful, as if they are making
deceiving anyone.				a contribution, or that they are a part of
That's a thought-provoking conundrum. But what				something. Studies show that there's a direct
if the person doesn't know the truth? This begets				correlation between employee job satisfaction and
the question: can you be true to your false self? I				recognized contribution to the success of their
contend that you can due to the fact that most				company.
people simply do not know who they really are,				Relatedness, is the need to love and be loved, to
and therefore, are simply guilty of self-deception.				care and be cared for. More on this in a moment.
We have all deceived ourselves at some point in				Of the three needs, autonomy may be the
life. Many marriages, friendships, and careers are				important because it fuels growth and allows
sustained by self-deception. People subconsciously				people to experience themselves as they really
employ self-deception as a survival strategy.				are. Studies have shown that the person who
Teenagers use self-deception to get attention, win				feels competent and autonomous, who directs his
affection, and gain acceptance.				or her own life, is immeasurably better off than
Austin continues: the process of self-deception				the person who does not. When autonomous,
represents a conflict between the conscious and				people are fully willing to do what they are doing,
unconscious portions of our minds. We may be				and they embrace the activity with a sense of
faced with reasons that tell us that something is				interest and commitment. Their actions emanate
false, but the strength of our desires, biases, and				from their true sense of self, so they are being
prejudices work against us, causing us to develop				authentic.
the belief that it is true after all.				According to Deci, authenticity necessitates
So the longer a lie is told to one's self, the more				behaving autonomously - acting in accord with
that lie becomes credible. It also becomes				one's true inner self. The key to understanding
necessary in order to continue reaping the				autonomy, authenticity and self is the
benefits that are associated with it. Before long				psychological process called integration. Various
the true self is supplanted by the deceived self				aspects of a person's psyche differ in the degree
which must be nurtured, and the lie gets				to which they have been integrated or brought
perpetuated. This often results in confirmation bias				into harmony with the person's innate, core self.
which aids self-deception. In psychology and				This is the fertile soil in which the seeds of your
cognitive science, confirmation bias is a tendency				true self are planted. It's imperative to integrate all
to search for or interpret new information in a				of the aspects of your true self into your life.
way that confirms one's preconceptions and				Failure to do so results in alienation from your
avoids information and interpretations which				core ("true") self. This is when people begin to
contradict prior beliefs. In other words, we seek				make statements like, "I've lost touch with
information to support our beliefs because we				myself" or "I've forgotten who I am."
believe what we want or need to believe.				Some will assert that losing yourself, or forgetting
Michael Shermer stated in the September 2002				who you really are is actually worse than not
issue of Scientific American: Smart people believe				knowing who you really are. At least you've had
that biases are some of the non-smart reasons				the opportunity to be true to yourself (for some
we have for arriving at beliefs; the confirmation				length of time), where as those who have never
bias is perhaps worse than most because it				known who they are, will only have the false
actively keeps us from arriving at the truth and				pleasure of being true to their false selves - which
allows us to wallow in comforting falsehood and				to them will seem real.
nonsense. This bias also tends to work closely				As people grow older, they change. This core self
with other biases and prejudices. The more				that Deci writes about makes absolute sense in
emotionally involved we are with a belief the				the realm of marriage, which by its very design,
more likely it is that we will manage to ignore				requires concessions to be made. Unfortunately,
whatever facts or arguments might tend to				one of the concessions which is often made is the
undermine it.				honoring of the true self at the expense of
Just to be clear on this: self-deception is				appeasing a spouse. When concessions do not
strengthened by confirmation bias and is				reflect an authentic decision, they have a
unintentional because one is not aware of it. Many				controlling effect.
confuse it with deception which is not the same				It is my opinion that fifty percent of marriages fail
thing. Deception is willful and starts with knowing				because half of the people getting married choose
the truth. It is marked by the careful construction				the wrong person. Another twenty-five percent
of a facade (a false, superficial, or artificial				fail because one of the spouses is giving their true
appearance or effect) that is used to deceive and				self to the false self of their mate and they
manipulate others for some selfish gain.				eventually discover it. The remaining twenty-five
As Austin eloquently points out: the deception of				percent (and yes, I'm being extremely optimistic
others is typically regarded as a moral flaw,				and generous with this percentage) are comprised
self-deception is usually treated as a reasoning				of individuals who are being true to themselves -
flaw. And what are the causes of self-deception?				in life and in the context of their marriages. My
Why is it so difficult to be yourself? Why do				research supports this belief.
people lack authenticity? What motivates us to do				As long as we continue to adhere to this romantic
what we do? And most importantly, what does it				(albeit foolish) notion that commitment is an
really mean to be true to yourself?				obligation instead of a volitional promise, divorce
Psychologist Edward Deci, and author of Why We				will continue to be on the agenda of far too many
Do What We Do, supplied many of the answers				married couples. Marriage promises that are made
that I was seeking. He writes: Many modern				are only as authentic as those who make them.
psychologists and sociologists view the self as				Women should not seek Mr. Right, but Mr.
socially programmed, which means that people's				Authentic, and have the patience to allow his
concepts of themselves are said to develop as				authenticity to emerge. Ditto for men seeking a
the social world defines them. The development				wife.
of self is significantly influenced by the social				Deci writes on this subject: In these mature
world, but is not constructed by that world.				relationships, people freely give and they freely
Instead, individuals play an active role in the				withhold giving. There is a balance of getting what
development of self, and true self develops as				one needs for oneself and giving to the other.
the social world supports the individual's activity.				Giving is not at the expense of one's self but is
True self begins with the intrinsic self - with our				wholly endorsed by the self. What characterizes
inherent interests and potentials. False self begins				the most mature and satisfying relationships is
when we attempt to gain contingent love or				that the true self of one person relates to the
acceptance.				true self of another. This is what is meant by the
When someone is only willing to give us love				phrase, "Someone I can relate to."
under certain conditions (set by them) or accept				While work and relationships might be the leading
us based upon rules (set by them), that's				cause of stress that arises from the challenges of
contingent love and acceptance. These are				being true to yourself, they can also help to
external rewards that compel us into action. It's a				define and liberate one's true self. Each exposes
common theme that pervades almost every area				you to inauthentic situations that can be used to
of life; especially work and relationships which are				claim your authenticity. You can turn away from
the two arenas in which self-deception runs most				the controls that give birth and rise to one's false
rampant. They are the source of people's				self, and turn to your true self in the process.
greatest stress.				Those are defining moments; you must choose
Work and relationships represent the domains				how you will define yourself, or the situation from
that are the most challenging for us to be true to				which your false self arises will define you.
ourselves because we are subconsciously thinking,				So how do you become true to yourself? And
"How much of my true self can I reveal before				what does it really mean to be true to yourself?
jeopardizing my acceptance, or risking rejection?"				Paying attention to who, what, when, where, and
These are the undercurrents. The intrinsic self				how you feel most comfortable is the first step.
needs to be free - or at least afforded more				Establishing your values and boundaries will get
freedom - without consequence.				you half way there. Your ability to be internally
Either way you slice it, not being accepted or				motivated to do what you want based on desire
being rejected has the same end result: the				- not obligation - will move you farther along.
withholding of coveted rewards and benefits. As				Integrating your values and beliefs into your life
long as people are motivated by contingent love				on a daily basis so that they are consistent with
and acceptance, they are susceptible to their				your behavior, actions, and choices - whether in a
controlling effects which influence their ability to be				relationship or not - brings you home to your true
true to themselves. Deci references this				self.
occurrence in his book as introjection. He				Once you arrive at this place that is foreign to so
describes introjects as powerful motivators which				many, you will inherit the job of being true to
relentlessly cause people to think, feel, or behave				yourself; a full time job that gives you the
in a certain way.				strength to fight for what you believe in, and a
One of the most powerful introjects is fear. In				voice with which to express your opinions. Being
particular, fear of losing something. Employers				true to yourself will allow you to create the
thrive on wielding the power which is ascribed to				conditions and the rules by which you live and
them by employees. The fear that people have				free you from the control of others, bringing you
of losing their jobs is palpable. Insurance salesmen				inner peace with who you are, and who you are
make an easier sale when you have a greater				not, and making you more accepting of what you
fear of losing your life. In relationships mates				have and don't have. Most importantly, you will be
threaten the withdrawal of some resource,				able to find love and acceptance of your true self,
reward, or benefit for control. The fear of losing				which in turn will afford you - the real you -
respect, money, friends, status, beauty, etc., all				non-contingent love and acceptance from others.
contribute to introjection which is the process that

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What it Really Means to be True to yourself

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