| One of the most frequent questions that I am | | | | the answer that reveals the benefit that they get |
| asked is "how do I manage difficult people?" In | | | | from their actions. While you are asking the |
| this short article I'm going to my | | | | question, keep in mind that to you the benefit |
| reveal three-step process for managing difficult | | | | may seem small, but to the other person what |
| people; but before I get into the process, let's | | | | they are gaining is important enough to justify the |
| explore some of the psychology behind difficult | | | | rejection and hard feelings that result. Look at the |
| people. | | | | world through their eyes, not yours. |
| What is a difficult person? | | | | A good example of a gain is someone who gets |
| The best answer is that "you know one when | | | | angry and uses their anger to control people and |
| you meet one!" | | | | situations. They may even threaten you with it. |
| Difficult people are the small percentage of the | | | | Once you realize that anger is their method for |
| population that just can't seem to get along with | | | | meeting their need for control, you are on your |
| anyone. In fact, many times people will go out of | | | | way to managing your difficult person. |
| their way to avoid interacting with them because | | | | Keep in mind that many times the benefit of the |
| they are so unpleasant. | | | | bad behavior is so great in the mind of the |
| Sometimes difficult people know that they are | | | | difficult person that they are willing to endure bad |
| difficult and sometimes they don't. I have had | | | | side effects. An angry person can easily alienate |
| more than one person who I thought was difficult | | | | family, friends, and coworkers, and many times |
| ask me why other people were so hard to get | | | | they will feel depressed when they calm down |
| along with! | | | | from their anger, but they will do it time and time |
| To me it was obvious that they were the | | | | again because at an unconscious level it meets |
| problem, but to them it wasn't. | | | | their need for control. |
| Types of difficult people. | | | | Step #2 - Break the strategy. Once you have |
| Starting with Robert Bramson in 1981, there have | | | | determined the need that is being met by the |
| been numerous attempts to classify difficult | | | | difficult behavior, the next step is to make sure |
| people into groups and provide guidelines for | | | | that they no longer get the anticipated benefit |
| managing each group. | | | | when they use the behavior. Using the example |
| However, my experience working WITH difficult | | | | of the angry person, you must be prepared to |
| conflict resolution situations has taught me that it | | | | not give in to them no matter how much they |
| is best not to put people into categories because | | | | turn up the heat. |
| it removes their individuality, and that can lead to | | | | When you do this two things will happen: (1) they |
| prejudices caused by misclassification. Sometimes | | | | will do the bad behavior even more because they |
| it can even be used to provide a comfortable | | | | are confused as to why it is not working, and (2) |
| excuse for your own failure to be flexible enough | | | | when they realize that it no longer works, they |
| to adapt to individual idiosyncrasies. | | | | will begin to look for a new way to get what they |
| The best approach to managing difficult people is | | | | need. This is where you come in with step #3. |
| to understand the universal psychology behind | | | | Step #3 - Fill the vacuum. When their previous |
| being difficult and provide a framework that | | | | bad behavior stops meeting their need it creates |
| works in all situations. Let's start by understanding | | | | a vacuum, so it is important for you to have a |
| why people are difficult. | | | | plan in place that will provide them with a better |
| Why difficult people are difficult. | | | | way of meeting their need. They still have the |
| There are two common reasons why people | | | | need even if they are now confused about how |
| exhibit behaviors that others find to be difficult. | | | | to get it. |
| The first reason is that they simply don't realize | | | | You may even elect to tell them that what they |
| how much their actions irritate other people. Many | | | | were doing will no longer work, but they can get |
| times this type of problem can be corrected | | | | what they want by doing something different. |
| simply by explaining the problem to the difficult | | | | Continuing with the anger example, you might say: |
| person and perhaps providing some training. Once | | | | "Joe, I am no longer going to allow you to get |
| there is a mutual understanding of what needs to | | | | your way by being angry. But if we can discuss |
| be done, they implement the changes and the | | | | this calmly, I think I can grant your request." |
| problem goes away. | | | | Being ready to fill the vacuum is crucial to your |
| The second reason that difficult people are | | | | success in managing difficult people because if you |
| difficult is because by engaging in the behavior | | | | don't fill the vacuum and give them what they |
| that makes them so hard to get along with, they | | | | need in another way, they will quickly revert back |
| get something important that they want or need. | | | | to the old habit because they don't know what |
| While this reason is the most challenging it is also | | | | else to do. |
| the most common and it can be managed if you | | | | Used together, these three steps give you a |
| know how. | | | | method of managing difficult people that will |
| Here is my 3-step process for managing difficult | | | | benefit everyone, including the difficult person. |
| people. | | | | To learn more about managing difficult people |
| Step #1 - Find the gain. Ask yourself the question: | | | | and other conflict resolution strategies, download |
| "What is the difficult person getting out of this?" | | | | my free 10-Step Conflict Resolution Email Series |
| Keep asking the question until you come up with | | | | here: Conflict Resolution Tools. |