How to Liberate Yourself From Emotional Burdens and Family Strife - 16 Ways to Work Your Thing Out

When you have been estranged from your familygarden, on a park bench, etc. You are an adult
with little face to face interaction and are obligedand you have no explanations to offer when you
to return to "home base" it is particularlywish to be on your own. Be aware however that
challenging. As we all know, family members knowit will not be appreciated.
how to trigger a reaction and when there are10- FIND PEOPLE YOU LIKE: Broaden your
unresolved issues and undercurrents, it becomeshorizons. It is a great opportunity to create new
very uncomfortable situation.friendships and network. Even if your environment
It is therefore essential to know how to freeis familiar, events dictate a change of atmosphere.
yourself from an emotional burden. It begins withJoin a group, start a new activity with people you
you being yourself and not what others expectdo not know.
you to be. I recently lived this which is why it is11- FOCUS ON YOUR OWN NEEDS: Whether you
easy to share 16 ways to work your thing outare looking for a new job or making a life change,
and liberate yourself from the weight of familyfocussing on your own needs blocks out much of
strife and emotional dysfunction.the conflict and dysfunction. A peaceful feeling
This inescapable duty to observe oneself: ifreturns when you concentrate on your desires.
someone else is observing me, naturally I have toA friend is someone who understands your past,
observe myself too; if none observe me, I havebelieves in your future, and accepts you just the
to observe myself all the closer. --Kafkaway you are. --Unknown
1 - OBSERVE: Keep your mouth shut and pay12- DO NOT TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF: Resist
attention to the actions and reactions of others,this instinctive reaction when you feel attacked. It
the emotional triggers and the intended messagesis a fruitless exercise as the "attack" is a ploy to
which go oft awry resulting in arguments,draw you back into the story. Not reacting will
criticism, accusations and recrimination.make you feel uncomfortable but that is just
2 - DO NOT TAKE SIDES: Taking sides is a veryyour ego "talking". Ignore it.
bad idea; you are setting yourself up for mischiefSometimes you are the one creating the problem
and playing their games not only weakens youbecause of your feelings of insecurity and others
but also draws you into a maelstrom ofare simply reacting to it. Be honest and take
negativity.responsibility for it.
3 - DO NOT JUDGE: Observe your reactions and13- ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE:
innate prejudices which arise. You have been offAccept people as they are because they will not
the scene a long time and do not know thechange. You are expected to adapt and conform
dynamics of the situation. Stay out of it.to expectations which is the real "issue" behind
When your prejudices come to the fore (and wethe conflict. Wishing it was different will not
all have them), take them out and shine thechange it.
cleansing light of lucidity on them. Question theAcceptance brings change, lightens your spirit and
reason for their existence; are they valid andcreates a distance between you and the group
why; are they true, is that who you are now?and this immediately negates conflict. You then
These questions tend to call negative memoriesbecome the observer of yourself and everyone
to mind out of which encourages this attitude.else and you will regain control of your emotions.
What they have "awakened" in you could continueThe man who never alters his opinion is like
long after the particular family issues have beenstanding water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.
clarified if you do not deal with them immediately.--William Blake
Try loving the people you now judge. I won't14- EXPRESS YOUR ANGER: I am sure you know
explain how to love them. Just try. Understand,the saying sticks and stones may break my
accept, and love. Go ahead. --James M. Lynchbones but words can never harm me. It is way
4 - MEDITATE OR PRAY (WHICHEVER SUITSoff the mark.
BEST): Or paint, journal, go for walks, listen toThere is nothing more hurtful than words spoken
music, dance, exercise, be quiet, and so on. Thesein resentment and recrimination; they resound and
activities help you focus and (re)gain innerrebound in one's head. They are intended to
harmony in the midst of the family's neuroses.wound and are not easily forgotten.
5 - ASK FOR HELP: When you begin to feelWhen I say express your anger, I do not mean
overwhelmed or when you yourself become a hitscream and shout or revile and insult. Raise your
and run victim of verbal violence, ask thevoice if you want to and let the anger out. It is
Universe, God, Mohammed or whatever you prayessential for your well-being and I truly mean this.
to for guidance. You will be answered; I guaranteeCast no verbal stones - even in the heat of the
it! Another perspective is priceless.moment - as they are counter-productive even
6 - BE GRATEFUL: Offer gratitude every day forwhen you are correct. You cannot be "right"
the good in your life particularly during rockybecause that is a judgement call. What you say is
times. Cry if you feel like it; that loosens theyour truth; express yourself and get it over with.
restricting bonds you placed on your heart.It too will pass.
7 - TELL YOUR STORY: It lifts the unsuspectedWhen you hold resentment toward another, you
weight from your shoulders when it falls on aare bound to that person or condition by an
listening ear. The objective is not to whine oremotional link that is stronger than steel.
complain. No; it is to tell your story and shareForgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link
your feelings. You will gain an understanding ofand get free. --Catherine Ponder
what you have been living when you externalize it.15- FORGIVE: When people refuse to act like
The universe works in mysterious ways and youadults and take responsibility for their actions and
will hear the words needed to inspire and comfortemotions, they make themselves small. Be the
you. It is a great way to get stuff off your chestbigger person.
with an understanding, neutral, external party andAnd each time you think "why can't she/he be...",
ease your aching heart.stop immediately and say instead I'm sorry,
Our only security is our ability to change. --JohnPlease forgive me, Thank you, I love you.. This is
Lillythe Hawaiian Ho'oponopono Prayer of Forgiveness;
8 - BE AUTHENTIC: Faking what you do not feel,simple, powerful and most importantly, it works!
taking sides, lying to make others feelIt is a heart-to-heart "talk" for one unless you
comfortable, allowing yourself to be drawn intowant to say it to someone, which you can. Do
other people's drama is counter-productive onthis and watch it gradually work its magic. Useful
every level.on all occasions particularly when falling asleep at
Reacting to triggers is par for the course innight.
families - they know them best. Instead, minimise16- MOVE ON: You have done your best and that
the damage by analysing the situation, then askis good enough; your experiences are your
yourself "Is it worth it to respond".teachers. Stop beating yourself up; accept your
Say what you think even when you feelshare of responsibility in the story, say thank you
uncomfortable. Express how you feel if it wouldverbally or mentally, let go and move on. When
make you feel better; it might put others on theyou make this emotional shift, proximity becomes
defensive but that is their problem. This is verya non-issue.
healthy.CONCLUSION
Speak your mind to clear the air without castingWhilst it is true that families are meant to
aspersions on peoples characters or criticisingcomfort and nurture, sometimes it is just does
them in any way. Being authentic does not meannot work out that way. That becomes a moot
getting in anyone's face. Such actions are forpoint however when you have already slain the
"small people" and I know you are bigger thanbeasts that weren't. The new friends you make
that!will create the nucleus of your "real" family.
One often contradicts an opinion when what isBe you. Trying to fit someone else's mould never
uncongenial is really the tone in which it wasworks. If you cannot fix it, forget it. If people do
conveyed. --Friedrich Nietzschenot like who you are, then find those who do.
9 - STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE YOU DO NOTLiberating yourself from an emotional burden has
LIKE (INCLUDING FAMILY MEMBERS): This is aa simple starting point as Kafka describes: You do
very important self-preservation strategy whennot need to leave your room. Remain sitting at
you share the same roof. There will be less angstyour table and listen. Do not even listen, simply
on your part when you distance yourself fromwait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely
the verbal stone-throwing and guilt manipulation.offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no
Create a haven for yourself in your room, thechoice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.