From Alex:

Why do black people talk in the movies? I thought it was a crude stereotype until I experienced it to its most extreme. There was much jumping out of chairs and shouting at the screeen. They weren’t doing it to be annoying, it just seemed like they were really into it.

What’s with that?

Depends where you go Alex. Where you in a ghetto part of Oregon (Alex lives in Klanville, er, I meant Oregon. We’re friends despite that ) I’ve never been to a movie in a PWT (poor white trash) part of town, but I know that in the ghetto Negro part of town you will get a more “vocal” crowd. I think this has less to do with them being black and more with their social class - low prole I guess you would call it. Find some of the white low proletariat and I’m sure you’ll find a similar display.

From TinaK:

Where did you come across that Bitch Slap video? I am STILL laughing my ass off…

From leenks.com.

From Phelps:

So… how’s it hanging?

Fine I guess. I woke up this morning and had to call in sick to work because I felt really dizzy. When I got up to take a shower it felt like one side of my head was extremely heavy, like someone tied a weight to it. I couldn’t even walk in a straight line.

So then I tried to get dressed as quickly as possible so that I could go lay down on the couch to see if I felt better, because I HATE missing work. I always think that they’re going to fire me. Well, I didn’t feel better, and so I called in sick. Then I took a 2 hour nap and took some Tylenol and now I feel better. I may take another nap later, or I may just go to sleep really early tonite.

You know the format. You email me at peoncomments[at]gmail[dot]com and you ask me, a Negro, a question or questionS. Let’s open up the mailbag…

We have three questions from Phelps of donotremove.net

1)Which is worse — getting hated on by white people or other black folks?

3)If you had two hand grenades and a couple of blank pardons from the President and Governor, what would you do? -Phelps

1)Black people. I would reckon that most black people don’t really care what white people think and don’t go out of their way to please them. Of course I’m not really any expert on the matter, I only know how I feel and how the black people that I know feel. But I would venture that if most feel like we feel that impressing your own people is more important than impressing “dem folks”.

2)I’m sure that Emily will enjoy my answer to this question considering that she’s “half & half”.

Most Negro traits are dominant over Caucasian traits. The wide nose, the thick lips, the extremely curly hair, not to mention that they’ll (usually) have skin darker than white people, but not quite as dark as your normal black person. When I meet someone who is bi-racial I usually consider them to be black because they look like me. There is a bi-racial girl at work who has really light skin, but has the Negro nose and Negro lips. And even though one parent may be as white as the driven snow, if you look like me I consider you to be part of my peeps

3)Hand grenades? Well, what I’ve learned from Grand Theft Auto is that hand grenades suck as a weapon. They’re only as accurate as your throwing arm is. They’re not very stealthy. Yeah, they’re very powerful but using a grenade to do a job that a gun could do better is like pissing all over the kitchen floor because your sister won’t get out of the bathroom…

Don’t get that analogy? Neither do I.

But let’s assume I have a strong and accurate throwing arm and all I have are grenades. Well, hmmm. Considering that the thought police are all over the internet and you never really know WHO is reading your blog I think I’ll refrain from answering that question. I don’t want any gubmint jackoffs showing up on my door and demanding to know why I said that I wanted to blow up X,Y,Z location. No thanks.

LeBron James. Next Jordan, or next Harold Miner?

-Chris Cleveland,OH

I am really, really, really enjoying LeBron’s second season in the league. Have you guys been checking his stat line for the last 5 or 6 games? He has 2 triple doubles and is AVERAGING about 27 points, 9 rebounds and 9 assists. That’s the best Oscar Robertson imitation since Magic Johnson was leading the break in the Great Western Forum in the 80’s.

I wonder, is this how fans felt about Michael Jordan back in the mid 80’s? Did they have any clue that they were witnessing the birth of one of the greatest careers of all time? I almost can’t stand it! I KNOW that I’m watching a future Hall of Famer blossom into potentially one of the all-time greats. Anybody think Nike paid him too much money now?

I think we all know by know that Italians and African-Americans don’t have abnormally long appendages. That being said, what makes black guys so attractive to white girls? I live in a town with very few black people, yet all the girls at my school go out of their minds when a basketball team from a black area comes to play at our school! What’s so exciting about black guys?

-Nicholas Arcadia, CA

We eat cold eels and think distant thoughts. I’m joking of course, I stole that line from Jack Johnson, the first black heavyweight boxing champion.

Dude, I can’t exactly tell you what black guys have that you don’t. If I were to be honest I think that the girls at your school are just happy to see something different and someone that they know their parents might have a problem with. Maybe I’m not giving small-town white America much credit but I would guess that a fair share don’t envision their daughter bring home a darky.

Girls are funny that way. I always wanted to be the guy that some girl dated to try and piss off her parents. Or the guy that she flaunted to her lilly-white friends and said, “Look girls, I’ve got black and I’m NEVER going back.” Alas, I had to fight and scrap for the poonanny I got

Hey man, I’m a Bill Simmons fan too. What’s your favorite column of his, and do you plan on trying to be the next intern?

-Daegan Plano, TX

Without a doubt my favorite column has to be the one where he reviews the Karate Kid Triology. That had me crying with laughter, and it points out the most obvious and overlooked part of the whole film and that is that the entire plot device to get Daniel LaRusso to California was completely unbelievable! Remember, Daniel’s mother moved from New Jersey to California for some managerial training program in a restaurant. They don’t have Denny’s in New Jersey? They don’t have five THOUSAND different restaurants you could manage at? Maybe she was running from Daniel’s deranged and abusive father, a big hulk of a man who would get drunk, come home and either beat up on Mom or pass out on the couch. Yeah, that’s it.

Re: interning. For those of you who don’t read Simmons’ column, Bill had an “intern” that got paid shit money to basically blog for him. He scoured the net for links every day, posted his favorite user-submitted e-mail. He was the little errand boy. Well, Simmons’ current intern got offered a job to work on the West Coast on the set of “Jim Rome is Burning.” Talk about an upgrade huh?

No I’m not interested in becoming the next intern, thanks. I much prefer my predictable, repetitive, Dilbert-like existence. But thanks for asking!

That’s it for now. Send me more questions! peoncomments[at]gmail[dot]com

My favorite sports columnist is Bill Simmons of ESPN.com. Every week or two he answers e-mails submitted to him by the adoring masses. I also noticed that J-Walk does this as well. But both of them are white. I am black. Hey, there’s a niche! ASK A NEGRO!

Want to ask me a question. E-mail me at peoncomments@NOSPAMgmail.com. Of course you will be intelligent enough to figure out that “NO SPAM” is not part of the e-mail domain.

First up a question by Emily, the lesser known younger sister of Erica a.k.a. Swirlspice.

How was your Christmas? How’s the new job? How’s Vickie? Any closer to buying a house?

Christmas was okay. That is all I will say publicly about it

I don’t know how many new people read this blog but I am actually no longer a “Contractor Peon.” I am a full-fledged employee of an insurance company where I’m an underwriter. My duties at this point are to work new business applications and become comfortable and knowledgeable with company policy. Later on I will be handling renewals, amendments, calling customers on the phone ( I really don’t have to do that know, I only talk to Insurance agents), and green/redlighting risks that the agents call us up and ask “Is it okay if I send this guy’s application to you?” Because believe me there are some truly SHITTY drivers on the road.

Do I like my job? Yes I do. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. No one talks to me unless it’s about business. I can have a radio at my desk and listen to Jim Rome from 9-12. My boss is pretty cool. The pay is good. There are monetary bonuses during certain seasons of the year. I think I made out pretty well.

Re: Vickie. Vickie passed her Realtor’s licese exam. Yay! She’s now going to be tutored under her bosses’ wife who is a part-time realtor.

Re: A new house. In case you didn’t know we’re buying a condo from a property originally developed as apartments. That means that they had to do some major renovations in order to make them sellable.

Think about this. They used to rent the apartments out for $1000 to $2000 a month based on how many rooms you wanted. They are now retailing for $200-300K. But we’re not paying that much because, well, WE’RE JUST NOT. No need to get into details but we got a sweet deal on the sale price.

Next question is from Scott a.k.a. the American in Japan…

Long time. How is the new job & training going/gone? Is SableLinks still up? Or dead altogether? I haven’t been able to get it recently.

What is Sablelinks you ask? Sablelinks USED to be my porn site. I decided to discontinue the site because I had no desire to keep it up and because the money wasn’t rolling in like I expected

Next question…

Hey, good to talk to you again. Your blog is hilarious. Hope

Hope is a former college “classmate” of mine (in quotes because we never had any classes together) who also shared the distinction of living on the same dorm floor as me during our Freshman year at UC Davis , being my neighbor at the apartment complex we lived at Sophomore year, and then being my co-worker for my 4th and 5th years.

When I think of Hope I think of two specific instances

1. The first week we were in the dorms in 1997. I was a young, anti-social, angry little Negro. I took it upon myself to go be social and go to say high to the dudes at the end of the hall. Hope was in there with these two guys who shared a room (some white dude and a guy named Anirudh who would later be her steady). I introduced myself, said “Hi.” Then Hope goes something like. “Okay, we’re having a private conversation here.” Or something like that. Being the angry little Negro that I was I took GREAT offense to that and double-barrel middle-fingered all 3 of them. I kinda regretted it later on.
2. At the aforementioned apartment complex, one night I was …….NOT SOBER…… and I was out running errands for my roommates because I asked to give me something to do because I was so ……. NOT SOBER. Now, being an anti-social but slightly less angry Negro I had the reputation of not wanting to talk to anyone. So imagine what Hope was thinking when I crashed her study session with her steady and her study-partner (who happened to be a co-worker of mine @ Wendy’s) and talked their ears off for an hour. Some people can’t remember what they do when they’re NOT SOBER. I remember EVERYTHING. After I talked Hope’s ear off for an hour I biked about three-quarters of a mile up a hill just to buy a CD and a Playboy mag from the local bookstore. I was so NOT SOBER that I remember I sprinted on my bicycle the whole way there and was not even breathing heavy when I got to the store. I was fucked up, yo .

Last question:

Dear Glenn , This email confirms that you have received a $45.00 USD from tenaolveraiew the details of this transaction here: EDITED

So when Sacramento Kings tickets went on sale last year we thought we would be able to make big bucks if we bought up pairs of tickets to the Kings vs. Cavaliers since it would be LeBron James’ only trip to Sacramento all year. As you can see the result fell well short of my expectations. I expected that much PER TICKET. Damn Sacramento fans.